Simply the Best

I thought it would be fun at the end of the year to review my blog.  I've read everything I've posted this year.  It was quite an undertaking, but well worth the effort.  The following are some of my favorite moments from this year.  Most from my travels around the world.

Jan. 9

During our lunchtime presentation we had two women come with their teen-aged children. The youngsters knew each other but it had apparently been awhile since they'd seen one another. About half-way through the presentation they left and came back a few minutes later slightly more disheveled, and a little happier...I love Arkansas.

Jan. 23

My manager and I saw an aged woman at Wal-mart who we surmised was trying to steal a bunch of green bananas. I observed that she might be the only person alive who Wal-mart security personnel could actually detain. She hobbled along using her shopping cart as a walker, head bobbing as the hem of her red jump suit pants remained a safe 6 inches above the floor.

Feb. 8

I met a woman today named D. Mullett Smith. Granted mullets probably weren't really around or officially established at the time of her birth, but regardless - what cruel parents she had. I almost hope it's a nickname like "Hi my name is Dee 'Mullet' Smith, and this is my friend Marge 'Hockey Hair' Jones."

Feb. 23

A woman in a bright red knitted vest read my palm tonight. She told me that a change would be occurring in my life around three months before the end of the year and if there was any hesitation that I shouldn't do it, but if there wasn't any hesitation I should go for it. She also told me I'd be successful no matter what career I chose - highly entertaining. She was short.

(A side note here. Three months before the end of the year was when I got fired. It was also around that time I got cast in Lend Me a Tenor. Coincidence? - perhaps...)

Feb. 28

I went to the gas station next door to pick up a couple of pop-tars and a chocolate milk. The chocolate milk was fortified with extra protien, so when it tasted weird I paid no heed. But after a second swig I decided it would probably be a good idea to check the date on the milk. "Sell by Feb. 04 07" - yes my milk was more than three weeks past the sell by date. But it doesn't end there. I took the milk back. The guy told me I could get a new one. Most of the milk in the refrigerator was "Sell by Feb. 04 07" however I did find one that said "Sell by Jul. 04 06"!!! Oh my gosh! What gas station in their right mind would leave a bottle of milk in the fridge for 8 months?!? I suppose the faded-to-distortion boxes of crackers they had on the shelves should have been a red flag.

Mar. 12

I was taking a break in the men's restroom and noticed that music playing over the system was very much 'sexual encounter' type music. Two soulful black people singing about how they love and want each other. In the same vein as "You're havin' my baby." Why this was playing in the men's room I'll never understand, but I got a laugh out of it.

-----

Linda is an 81 year old woman from Brooklyn. Now normally a woman like this would be accompanied by an equally decrepit man, a wheelchair, or a nurse, but all Linda had was a large fur hat and one of the most amazing coats I've ever seen. It looked like a Persian rug. I expressed my admiration for her coat and she started a conversation with me - in her old woman Brooklyn accent - about how the people of Pennsylvania have no style and don't know how to dress. She said they all look like they should be washing floors.

Mar. 28

Today when people asked where the bathroom was, we kept telling them they could just use the planter in the hallway.

Language Alert!:

Apr. 25

My manager received a phone call as we were stuck in traffic today. He thought it was a long time friend of his whose number always appears as ‘unavailable.’ He answered his phone by saying “What up bitch?” not realizing that it was actually the 60-year-old woman in the home office who is in charge of meals for our events.

May 18

An old man came up to the registration table and pulled his invitation out of his pants. Not his pants pocket, his pants. Then I shook his hand, then I washed my hand.

June 6

The following sign was seen on our way to dinner - "Adult Toys, We bare all" and then just below that "Trucker Discounts."

-----

Thoughts from this week's Speaker -

"The closest anyone in my family comes to watercolors is my grandpa. When he was senile he used to paint with his poop."

June 15

During lunch a Russian woman showed up late. She got past my registration table before I could catch her, and after firmly saying "Ma'am" as loud as I dare so as not to interrupt the ongoing meeting, I followed her into the ballroom and tapped her on the shoulder. She then screamed.

July 4



July 24

A girl came to our event this evening without a bra. This should just not be done. I respect that some women feel a need to be free of the restraints of the man and his social impositions, but for the sake of the rest of us, when you're in public hike 'em up or strap 'em back.

Aug. 10

I forgot to write about a man clad in a Hawaiian shirt who asked me where the company was based. I said, "It's a town in Utah called Orem." He simply said "Son of a bitch!"

-----

Oh my. My friends I thought I'd seen it all, but today takes the cake. I was going to regale you with my fashion feaupax of the week - A man wearing a mesh button-up shirt and a beret, but then a woman arrived who totally and completely trumped him. It wasn't necessarily her blatant disregard for fashion that earned her a place in the annals of disastrousness, her outfit was only a bit on the quirky side - white shorts, a black undershirt with an open floral-patterned button-up shirt over the top and knee-high black socks. The part that wins her the feaux-pas of the year award is the fact that her black shirt was sheer and she was sans bra. I just about threw up, but at the same time it was all I could do to not burst out laughing. How does one go out in public like that? The three of us who were working the seminar all noticed, we can't imagine that we were the only ones. So, as a button to my day I saw nasty old woman boobs. 10 points to Mesa AZ.

Oct. 25

The other day I was teaching 3rd grade and one of the students asked, "How many girlfriends have you had?" I replied, "Two." He said, "What the heck is wrong with you? I've had like 14." I like how something must be wrong with me since I've only had 2 girlfriends. Though when I thought about it in the terms he's thinking, I counted and I've actually had 7, so eat that Mr. 9-year-old!

Nov. 24

At one point during the day I was losing my momentum, so I requested we sit and people watch for a spell. Whilst resting our tootsies on a curbside bench a group of older men came sauntering down the sidewalk. I said to Emily, "Is that Rudy Giulliani?" And sure enough, it was. He was just walking down the street...wearing a very nice suit.

Those are some of my favorites, but there's oh so much more to enjoy. Check out my shopping adventures in the middle of September, my trip to England, my sub jobs over the last few months, and the myriad fashion feaux pas that have been sighted over the year. It's all quite entertaining.