More often than not in my life I feel like everyone's backup plan. I'm an afterthought, a contingency, in the event that there's absolutely nothing else going on, plan B, just in case, if I find the time, priority number 2 if I even get that high. And frankly it sucks.
Now I realize I'm looking at this from a completely subjective point of view, but really life is about perception.
It just seems to me like I invest a lot into friendships and don't get nearly as much back. I've kind of felt like that for a lot of my life, but lately it's sort of been intensified. I feel out of the loop, forgotten, left behind. I feel like all I hear is, "I'll definitely come next time," or, "Sorry, something came up," or...or...or...
The only time I can remember where I didn't feel like that was when I moved away from Cedar. I had a little going away party and pretty much everyone at least made the effort to drop by. But I think that's because I was moving several hundred miles away.
Well I'm kind of tired of it. When do I get to be what comes up? When do I get to be plan A? When is it my turn? Perhaps I'm being whiny and immature. Perhaps not. All I know is it's how I feel.
Almost like the following lines from "Into the Woods":
"Am I not sensitive, Clever,
Well-mannered, Considerate,
Passionate, Charming,
As kind as I'm handsome
And heir to a throne?
You are everything maidens could wish for.
Then why no?
Do I know?
The girl must be mad!"
I know I'm not prince charming. And I certainly hope I'm not that arrogant, but I do think I deserve more than insincere commentary and empty promises.
So, I'm done. Done being second string, done being the guy no one thought about, done being the doormat. I'm done.
Sorry for the rather negative tone of my posts lately, it's been a fairly turbulent few weeks, so here's a funny picture. It's really not an optical illusion, that I can see, but it is funny. Children have the ability, more than anything else - possibly even brownies - to make me smile:
After I had a good cry on the curb, I went to see Rockadoodle with my family. I felt better.
4 comments:
Greg, you are (almost) always my number one choice. I love you enough that I bought a house with you. :)
If it makes you feel any better, and it probably won't, I've spent my whole life being a back up plan as well. I think between the two of us we must just equal a giant sucking vortex or something.
On the positive side, however, there are a few people that love you very much. I can think of at least a few that would put you first on their priority list.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is: Love you long time, and you'll get through this. :)
I felt better after reading your post. I've been feeling a little down about myself lately as well. I'm glad i'm not the only one. :) Cheers to the day we will feel better!
Greg,
I had a wonderful time with you on Friday! I loved Mariah and Linsday. You are a great guy and definitely not a back up plan! Hope to see you soon bud.
I think I told you once before, but in case I didn't, or in case you need reminding, you are my measuring stick. I always compare others to your standard, and if they aren't as wonderful and good-looking as you, they don't get to be a part of my circle.
And if I would've known you back in the Rockadoodle era, I would've cried on the curb with you and joined you for the movie without hesitation.
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