Thursday, April 16, 2009

All my single ladies

So dating, right?
Yeah, I'd like to put in my two cents about that.

I've been on a few dates recently. It's all good times. But sometimes dating is such a ridiculous game. There are rules, but they change with every person. What's the best way to ask for another date? How long should you wait after the first date? How many times do you try for a second date? How do you know when "I'm busy" really means "I'm not interested"? How aggresive should you be? How persistent should you be? What really prompted all of this was two-fold: A conversation with a friend, and a blog post by a stranger.

The conversation: Centered around whether to ask for another date, and the best way to do that. I went on a date a couple of weeks ago - had a great time. Super fun. She's intelligent, gorgeous, hilarious - fun. So I'm workin' on a second date. This is where the problem arises. I'm super busy - she's super busy. So, is it really that she's busy? Or is it that she doesn't want to bruise my "fragile male ego"? How long do I keep trying? When is "busy" actually a signal saying "I don't want a freakin' second date, back off!"? And how do I not become confused when she's not really proactive about things, but uses exclamation points when expressing her affirmations of interest (scanty though they may be)? So that's where I stand with that.*

The blog: Here. For those who don't want to read the whole thing - though it is pretty entertaining - here's the gist: "Don't ask 'Can I take you out again?' because you'll get the same answer whether I'm actually interested or not." (Ok, so that message was sort of subordinate, but that's the information that was pertinent to me). Lame. I realize this is one point of view. One girl. One opinion. Even so, it just sort of brings my frustrations to the forefront. Basically, if you're interested - ACT LIKE IT! You can say "I'm busy" but among the many things in my life that I've learned up til now, one of the most important is that you make time for the things that are important to you - regardless of whatever else is going on. If you really are interested in exploring what may be there, make time for it. And if there really isn't time, at the very least, keep the lines of communication open. On the reverse, if you're not interested, be honest about it! There are tactful ways of expressing a lack of interest. My ego may still get bruised, I may still say mean things about you to my friends, but at least you were honest and didn't waste my time.

*sigh* It's just that there seem to be so many expectations placed on men in dating with very few placed on women. I have to ask, pay, ask again, pay again, keep the ball rolling. All you have to do is say yes and giggle. And if you're not interested you ignore me, thus wasting my time, and causing me confusion and ulcers. (I know! It's my own perspective. The grass is always greener etc., just let me whine for a second.)

Basically what I'm saying is, I was gutsy enough to take some initiative, at least give me the courtesy of being honest about anything beyond that.

*I wrote this a couple of days ago, and have since been subtely shafted. I gave it a good go - made several attempts (in a non-threatening, and non-overbearing way) at doing a second excursion, which she seemed excited about i.e. exlamation points and "please let's do!" etc., but never followed through on, so I'm taking the hint - whether intended or not. I gave it a valiant effort and the button is now in her hand, as it were.

8 comments:

Tara said...

I totally get this is your Blog, and thus your place to whine. Not arguing with that at all and you definitely have reason to. But let me stick up for some of us 'single ladies' by saying this:
Sure you may have "expectations" placed upon you because of your gender, but sometimes it would be nice to be able to be the proactive one in a relationship. Sometimes it really SUCKS to be stuck in the 'subordinate girl' role while pansy men refuse to do anything.

I'm just sayin'...

Greg D said...

I know, but speaking as a non pansy man, girls are frustrating. And may I also point out that girls are sometimes the cause of the pansiness. If girls aren't honest, then we as men don't have much motivation to initiate anything. I'm just sayin'.
You know Ms. Felicity, I think this may be the first real argument you and I have ever had where we didn't come to an agreement rather quickly.

Tara said...

The great thing about this argument, Mr. B, is that we disagree on this point in general--for the general society of dating men and women. But as we know probably too much about each others' situations, I think we'd completely agree and commiserate on a personal level; you are not one of the pansy men, and I am not a girl who would lie to a man about a second date.

Am I right?

Samantha said...

Just so you know--not all women stay in the role you stated. I'm the one who suggested marriage to my husband--who immediately said that sounded like a good idea.

Of course, we never dated, so the paying thing wasn't an issue. We were just good friends who did everything together from grocery shopping to study buddies. But when I did date, I made sure I paid for the second date, and I always offered to help pay for the first--if he declined, I sent some sort of thank you the following day.

My point...some of us don't play games, and we're actually courteous.

Greg D said...

I know, I was generalizing and just needed to vent. I'm as guilty as the next person about not being honest. But I'm working on it. And thanks to all you ladies out there who say it how it is! Keep up the good work!
And yes, Felicity, I completely agree. :)

LBBlum said...

Mr. B- my brother and I went to the same University and he had the same trouble... so he would ask, "Should I try asking you out again or are you going to be busy all semester?" If she can't come up with a good time to try again... he took the "hint".

Sorry- dating can stink.
But that is not really why I popped over to visit you... I just wanted to let you know, I'm working on a Bookclubs4kids.com... a summer on-line book club. Right now I am negotiating with a publisher who has agreed to "sponsor" it and donate GIVE AWAY prizes. The book is MVP... well just go check out the site and see if you want to tell your students. I am trying to get the word out.

I'm Batman said...

I agree with Greg. I loved your comments on that one girl's blog. She sounds dumb, but I'm married, so what do I know.

Erin Brady said...

I respect what you're saying. On the flip side, I don't think that a lot of girls let guys be guys. Most women want someone who's going to lead in the relationship. We don't always want to be the ones to suggest a romantic get-a-way, etc. Besides, (and I'm going to say something very generalized) I think that for a lot of guys, it's all in the chase. You can look at your students and see that "the game" starts at a young age. He likes her, she likes him, if she lets him know, he disappears. Or better yet: he likes her, she likes him, she's mean to him, and he keeps coming around. Classic example: Anne Boleyn, although her's is a bit extreme.